


Second Chance

by SakuraSakkaChan



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comedy, Eventual Relationships, Fluff, M/M, References to Depression, Sadness, Thoughts of Suicide, Trigger Warnings, allusion to mental disorders, be careful, practice, romantic or frienship ship?, what if
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-04-23 15:58:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14335968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakuraSakkaChan/pseuds/SakuraSakkaChan
Summary: What if Connor didn't kill himself?What if we were more than “fake friends”?What if the Murphys could have helped him?What if I did something?What if I had a redo?What could I do better?For some insane reason, Evan Hansen wakes on the first day of his senior year in high school. Its as if nothing the past year had happen. His arm was broken. His mother was worried about him. There was no lie. No Connor Project. There was Connor.The real Connor Murphy was still alive. Evan doesn't know if its all a crazy dream but he reaches out unlike before. Instead of watching the teen walk away for good, Evan decides to make his lies into the truth.Evan is taking advantage of this second chance.





	1. Dear Evan Hansen

_**September 21st, 2016** _

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to_ _be a good day because_

 

Evan paused. He bit his bottom lip. The events of his senior year flashed through his mind.

It seriously had been an entire year. High school was over...college classes had begun…

 

_you are in college._

 

One good thing. Right?

 

_Your mom is healthy and hard working as always._

 

He heard the said woman singing Josh Turner from the kitchen. A smile tugged on Evan’s lips.

 

_Your arm is not broken._

 

He looked at said arm. A long white scar ran along from his elbow to his palm. His heart twisted as he took in a deep breath.

 

_And you are you and that's all that matters._

 

_Sincerely,_

_Evan Hansen_

 

Evan looked at his work and leaned back in his chair. A year of writing these letters. They help, more than Evan thought. It was gradual. Not like,”Oh! I am no longer depressed!” That doesn’t happen overnight. But the progress he made was good.

The young adult looked at his shelf above his bed. His mind arriving upon that same person.

_I wonder if Connor would have been alright if he did the same thing. Maybe he could have been here…_

Evan shook the thought away with a heavy heart. The past couldn’t change. People don’t get second chances. Wished they did, but they didn't. He couldn’t help himself from thinking that if he could have been there for the teen, then maybe he wouldn’t have killed himself.

Maybe they could have been real friends. Connor did sign his cast, unlike Alana and Jared.

**_“-fake friends…”_  **

See how well that turned out. The Murphys seemed fine. Last time he spoke to Zoe, she was content. The family got over their son’s death. They were closer.

Evan’s mind still wandered to the realm of “What if…”

Evan flipped his paper to the other side and wrote out his heart.

 

_What if Connor didn't kill himself?_

_What if we were more than “fake friends”?_

_What if the Murphys could have helped him?_

_What if I did something?_

_What if I had a redo?_

 

**_What could I do better?_ **

 

“Honey! Dinner is ready!” The cheery voice ended Evan’s train wreck of thoughts. Evan turned around to be tackled in a hug.

“What did you write today?” his mom inquired. She looked down. Evan felt her take a deep breath.

“Uh...what's for dinner?” Evan asked awkwardly. His mom rubbed his shoulders.

She must have noticed his attempt to redirect her attention elsewhere. The woman hummed, “Spaghetti and meatballs. This time I didn’t burn the water!”

“Congratulations,” Evan replied.

“I know right? I can totally be a high class chef!”

Evan giggled, “Yes, you already are.”

His mom let him go after patting his cheeks. “Come on college boy! There's some yummy garlic bread that's calling for that tummy!”

Evan stood, “Yes I hear their dramatic cries to be eaten.”

His mother smiled as she leaned in the doorway. “And don’t forget honey…” Evan couldn’t breathe for a moment, “We all make mistakes. And what we can do is learn from them, and live better so it doesn’t happen again.”

Evan gave a weak smile, “Yeah...I guess…”

“Be more affirmative! Say yes ma’am!” his mother saluted dramatically.

Evan’s smile grew and he mimicked her, “Yes ma’am!”

“Alright! Let’s march to the kitchen!!” She pivoted behind her and announced, “Left! Left! Left! Right! Left!”

Evan glanced at the paper on his desk before following her lead.

 

_What if…_

* * *

 

**August 3rd, 2015**

 

Ah milk time. It was practically the only time of the day where Connor felt normal. Practical. Fine. Sane? Hell he didn’t know what but damn the milk was good. His mom was saying something about him going to school on his first day of senior year.

“It's your senior year Connor, you are not missing the first day!” his mother exclaimed. She was busy buttering her toast. Connor pursed his lips.

What was the point? He go to school to be called a freak? A school shooter? Be ignored or worse noticed?

That place was hell.

It's not like anyone would miss him if he didn’t show up. “I already said I’d go tomorrow.”

This place was hell.

“He doesn’t listen,” his father groaned. Connor rolled his eyes. They didn’t want him either. School was the only other way to get rid of him. “Look at him.” Connor froze and looked at the wrinkly jacket he wore. It was soft. Maybe it smelled cuz he wore it last night while smoking on the rooftop but hey, it was comfortable. “He’s probably high.”

 _I was high yesterday, there's a difference. I don’t smoke before seven. Too damn early!_ Connor wrinkled his nose. Why was he up this early again? Oh right, milk. Connor took another sip from the carton.

“He’s definitely high.” There goes Miss Perfect! The jewel of the Murphys!

“I don’t want you going to school high Connor!” his mother groaned.

_Loophole_

Feeling his anger bubble to the surface, Connor feigned shock, “Perfect!” He felt his own bitterness turn into a smile, “So then I won’t go. Thanks mom!” He left the milk on the table. His stupid sister grabbed it for her cheerios. His father groaned about the traffic as Connor stormed off to his room.

Rebellion screamed at him to go to school. Just in spite of his _perfect_ family. They don’t want him going to school? Well he’s going to go to school.

“Connor finished the milk!”

Connor headed to his room upstairs. He slumped his handbag over his shoulder and slipped on a pair of shoes. Gazing at the mirror he saw his watery eyes surrounded by a pool of insomnia. He ran a hand through his unruly hair. _Do I seriously look like I’m high?_ He couldn’t hold back the frown that weighed down his heart.

“If Connor is not ready I am leaving without him.”

_Milk time is over_

 

* * *

 

**_????_ **

 

When Evan opened his eyes he screamed. There was a cast on his arm.

A cast on his arm.

He was sitting at his desk in class. A few students stared at him. Wait. He was in a high school classroom. If the teens bolting out of the room were any indication. Not college. High school.  Evan took in the familiar surroundings. This was his senior English classroom. These students were teenagers. Teenagers that he really didn’t know but they were **teenagers.**

“What's his problem?” a girl whispered.

Evan froze. What was going on? Why was he here? Was it some kind of dream?

The boy tapped the all too familiar arm. It was too real to be a dream. He bit the inside of his cheek and winced. Yep, not a dream. Unless he is a dead sleeper. Evan highly doubted that.

“I dunno, apparently that freak went off on him earlier,” another replied.

 _Freak?_ _What's going on?_

“I would be freaking out too. Connor is scary.”

“We gotta be careful though. He’ll probably shoot up our school.”

Evan looked at the date on the whiteboard. It was the first day of his senior year. He took in his classroom that was almost empty. Jared, his sort-of-friend approached him. “Hey, you fell asleep in class. Kinda funny!” he joked. “Did the school freak haunt you in your dreams?”

 _Is he talking about Connor? But he killed himself!_ Evan slapped his forehead, his eyes wide as a thousand questions blew through his mind. _None of this is making sense!_

“-nyways, class is over and-” a long bell rang throughout the school, “it's lunch time. Bye!” Jared practically waltz out of the classroom.

Evan stood as the few students in the class left. Evan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Ok so he went to bed last night after having spaghetti and meatballs. He joked with his mom and contemplated about impossible second chances right before he fell asleep.

That made sense! It's what happened!

Evan wakes up in his English class in high school.

Uuuh, that's where Evan got lost.

Maybe this was some kind of crazy dream. Maybe if he did what he did before then he would wake up. What did Evan do after class on the first day? God it was so long ago! Evan tapped his fingers on the metal desk. Think. Think. Right he went to the computer lab and printed out his letter to himself! Evan stood with renewed purpose.

Evan did as before, he awkwardly walked through the hallways to the computer lab. He tried to see if anything was out of place. There were the old, clean tiled floors. Then there were the groups of students talking and giggling as they headed to the cafeteria. A few wandering teachers marched off to who knows where...everything seemed to be in order.

Except Evan of course. Nothing made sense.

He made it to a computer. He pulled up a file where he left his letters to himself. All he had to do was type and print it out. Wait. The letter he wrote to himself was already in the computer's saved files. Evan didn't have to open a new one. _Did that happen last time?_ Whatever, Evan printed it and turned around to grab it. He froze.

Connor Murphy sulked into the room. The dark circles under his eyes seemed to emphasize their dark green gaze. Connor scanned the stunned Evan and scratched the back of his messy brown hair.

“Hey-uh…” Connor cleared his throat. _Wait I remember this…_ “I’m sorry for earlier. That wasn’t-” Connor sighed, “-cool…”

“Oh” Evan squeaked.

_Oh? Wait is that how I responded?!_

“I just got upset over what that asshole said…”

Evan remembered that Jared called Connor a school shooter after bumping into him. Evan was so scared. Back then, he was different. Most of the students called Connor names anyways. Before his actual death, Connor was scary. When Evan thought about it, that's all because everyone treated him like a freak.

Evan waved his hands and smiled awkwardly, “Its ok! I get it!” Connor pursed his lips. Evan didn’t remember that. Wait, did Evan say the right thing? What did he say before? How is he supposed to get out of this situation again?

“No one signed your cast?” Connor asked. Evan’s heart dropped. Maybe he did say the right thing. Connor whipped out a black marker. “I am not the best person around but...we can just pretend to be friends. Ya know, _fake friends.”_

Evan forced out a laughed, “Haha yeah…” Gulping down air Evan said, “Thanks.”

Connor signed his name. “No problem _friend._ ” Connor turned around. Evan remembered.

He would turn around and see that letter in the printer. He would see that and he would read it. That's when Connor stormed off. That was the last time Evan ever saw him. Evan can just let this happen and wake up from whatever this is. Nothing can change. His mom said so. Its all mistakes of the past. He just has to learn from it. Evan was a jerk who took advantage of Connor's death for his own gain. Tears began to form in his eyes. This moment felt like it would never end. He could just let it happen, then everything will be fine. Evan ended up ok. He started the Connor Project that's inspiring thousands of people around the country to reach out. That's a good thing!

_I can learn from my mistakes_

Evan didn't think. The paper Connor was reaching for flew in the air. A flash later and Evan realized he could try out for the football team since he tackled Connor to the ground.

_This definitely did not happen last time._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I dunno if I will continue this. I came up with it on a whim and I would love to continue it. This is great practice! But I would like to know how it is written and if other people would like to see where this goes.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Leave a kudo, bookmark or comment. I would love feedback!


	2. Fake Friends

Chapter 2: Fake Friends

* * *

 

**_August 3rd, 2015_ **

**_Lunch_ **

Connor didn't know what the hell was going on! He tried to be a decent human being by apologizing to Evan Hansen. The guy broke his arm. Connor felt bad. Seems like he was feeling bad about a lot of things lately… He was that kid in the background who Connor didn't hate. And Connor blew up in his face.

_Great job asshole!_

Even someone like Connor understood how much of a dick move that was. Why was he like this? That is still the grand mystery of his fucked up life. He felt like a walking time bomb. Everyone knew that. He was going to explode one day and everything will go to hell. Evan is not the first victim. He definitely won't the last. Connor hated knowing that. He didn't know what to do! The least he could do was apologize to Evan. Maybe start with that. The first step of his transformation from being the biggest dickhead of all time.

The plan was simple. Sign his cast. Leave. Maybe Connor wouldn't need a smoke. What was he thinking? Of course he would need a damn smoke. His nerves were just so restless. If he stood still he had to be doing something or whatever. Problem was, things took a different turn.

Being tackled by the cripple was not part of his grand master plan.

Thankfully he was sober enough to realize how uncomfortable and embarrassing this position was. A strange and slightly perverted image popped into his head. Evan on top of Connor. His face buried into Connor's chest. He bet Evan could hear his racing heartbeat. A mismatched pair of arms wrapped tightly around Connor's waist. Circulation was cut off due to the cast. Too shocked to do much of anything, Connor sat there in mortification. Evan shifted. Something moved between Connor's legs.

_Oh God is that hiseg?! Should I scream rape?_

Connor said what Connor usually said, "What the actual FUCK!?"

"Don't read the letter!" Evan cried. Connor tried to scoot back. He felt his jeans slip off. The one day he actually regretted not wearing a belt was this one. Connor felt the pairing heat of anger and embarrassment built up in his cheeks.

"What the actual **FUCK**!?" Saying that again woke up Connor's senses. He kicked Evan where the light doesn't shine. At least he prayed to God that it never saw light. Evan groaned in pain. Connor pushed himself back. His pants were draped over his knees and trailed after him. Did Connor wear underwear today? He checked.

Yep.

Evan whimpered, "Don't read the letter!" He tumbled to his side, cupping down there. "Oh that hurts!"

"No shit Sherlock! Do you normally try to rape people!? I thought you were too chicken to do that kind of crap!" Connor tried to stand but fell on his tighty whities. He wiggled on his pants.

"I-I-" Evan stuttered. From pain or just the fact that he was weird, Connor didn't know. He didn't care.

"I said, fake friends! Ya know? Not fuck buddies!" Connor stumbled to his feet and paced around the room. He felt the tears build up. His breathing was erratic. Connor glanced at the pained Evan who seemed to be calming down.

_Screw this guy... screw this school...screw his family...screw him!_

In a hateful voice, Connor snarled, "Fuck you!" He tried to wipe the tears before they fell. "I thought you were different. But it looks like you are as fucked up as everyone else!"

"Connor…" Evan gasped. He pulled himself up by clinging to the table holding the printer with his good arm.

Connor should kick him right in that fucking face. Instead he froze. Something felt off. He didn't kick people, did he? He never wanted to hurt people. Yet why was that his first instinct? An image of him yelling at his mother played through his head. _I pushed her…_ The dark gaze of his father was burned into his memories. _I made him hate me…_ Zoe was crying in front of him. _I ruined her childhood._

_I am the problem...I need to end it._

There were those pills in the bathroom cabinet. That one therapist prescribed them but said not to take more than two a day. Connor was hated by his parents for a reason, he did the exact opposite of what he was told. Maybe this time, he could do it for their sake.

The door opened. "What is going on in here!" an older woman demanded. Her dark eyes fell upon Evan struggling to stand. She shouted into the hallway, "Someone get the nurse!" Before Connor could blink she was at Evan's side.

"I'm-he-I am fine," Evan groaned.

The woman jabbed a finger at Connor and growled, "What did you do Mr. Murphy?"

Students were crowding in the doorway. Connor's breath hitched as he heard the dreadful whispers.

"Connor beat up Evan!"

"Is he going psycho?"

Connor's hands trembled. His lungs were collapsing from the inside.

"God, I don't even know why they would keep a freak here."

"I heard it's because the Murphys don't want to keep him at home."

 _Freak...Psychopath...Is that what I am?_ Connor glared down at his trembling hands. He didn't belong here. He exploded. He hurts people. What use is he?

"I am fine! Connor I am so sorry-" Evan got to his feet. The words played themselves over and over in his head. Freak. Psycho. Monster. Scary...Scary...He was scary.

"Mr. Murphy and Mr. Hansen," a deep voice shook the room. Connor jolted out of his trance to stare at a short man with narrow eyes and the thinnest beard one could ever have. "Seeing as neither of you are in serious harm, come to my office now." The short man wearing a suit shooed away the students. They made a poor attempt to keep an eye on the two teens. The whispers continued as they followed the short man.

Zoe was scared of him. He rubbed his now running nose. God he hated this. He made her cry countless times. This will all end soon though. Newfound determination made its way to his heart. After the stupid principal, he will finally do it. And no one will stop him. No one wouldn't. It's the debt he needs to pay to being the biggest fucking asshole of all time!

* * *

 

 

_**The Principal's Office** _

 

Well, at least Connor didn’t storm off to kill himself. Right? Evan already knew he should have planned this whole saving Connor idea before doing something stupid. But as usual, he didn’t think! If he could, Evan would be banging his head against the wall. He messed up in the past by fabricating a horrible lie and he also messed up by tackling Connor who thought he was trying to rape him. _Great, I am such a dumbass._ When Connor was about leave that computer room by himself, Evan couldn’t not think. He felt like he had to do something. He had to make sure that the letter was never read. Thank God, Buddha or whatever that never happened.

In an alternate world, this one in particular, Evan and Connor would have ended up in the principal's office. His insane and selfish story about his fake friendship with the teen began in this very room. Evan gripped his shorts. He noticed that Connor was impatiently tapping his foot. Connor was biting the inside of his left cheek as he glared at the window across from them. Evan could tell he was doing his best to avoid eye contact with him. Sweat raced down his forehead. Maybe he made things worse?

There stood the desk in front of the sitting teens. It was clean and organized. There was a pile of folders neatly stacked besides the black keyboard for the computer. The screen was hidden from view. A green mug stuffed with new pens and pencils was next to the silver plaque that read, “Principle Kawaguchi.” Evan didn’t recognize the name but was too terrified to question it. He noticed pictures on the bookshelves of the man who left them here. Mainly of him with different people and a couple kids that had his cold gaze. Pictures of his family, Evan assumed.

The short man, Mr. Kawaguchi sauntered in with his round, wrinkled head held up high and his pudgy hands behind his back. He took time sitting in his big black chair and adjusted himself as the boys waited. Sweat trickled down Evan’s face.

Cupping his hands together, the middle aged man wrinkled his small nose and said, “So...you two were yelling at each other. Ms. Herrington found Mr. Murphy standing over Mr. Hansen.” His cold gaze focused on Evan. The handicapped teen froze. “She claims that Mr. Murphy here was harassing you. Earlier today, some students claimed that he threatened you. Is that true?”

“Threaten!?” Connor exclaimed. The firecracker bolted to life. He slammed his hands on the desk and pointed at Evan. His pale face turn a dark shade of red. “I didn’t do anything! He-”

“Mr. Murphy! Sit down. We are handling this in a timely matter before your parents arrive!” Mr. Kawaguchi growled.

“Oh! Great! More condescending jerks to come and side with this rampaging creep!” he spat at Evan. He reluctantly sat in the chair. Fumes flew out of his nostrils as he took deep breaths.

Evan felt his ears turned red. Ok. Maybe he could have grabbed Connor’s attention a different way. Tackling him like he was the quarterback for an opposing football team was a bit extreme. He obviously had to work a few things in this new life.

“Mr. Murphy! I am talking to Mr. Hansen at the moment!”

“Then why are we here together!?” Connor rolled his eyes.

“One more word out of you and I will have you suspended for your conduct!”

Evan couldn’t help but imagine a cartoonish time bomb preparing to explode. He forgot how scary Connor could be. Evan did his best to hide his trembling and gather up the courage to speak up. He had to make this right.

“Its my fault Mr. Kawaguchi,” Evan declared.

The other two froze as the doors opened. “The Murphys and Mrs. Hansen are here Principle Kawaguchi,” a woman announced.

Evan instantly felt relieved when he saw his mother. She awkwardly entered the office and glanced around the room with wide eyes. “Hey sweetie!” she gave her son a hug from behind. “I know I said go out there and everything, but this isn’t exactly what I meant,” she whispered with a giggle. His mother’s embrace warmed his heart. It took a year of lying, but he knew that his mother was on his side.

Evan felt a lump form in his throat when Mr. and Mrs. Murphy entered the room. He couldn’t just casually greet them. They didn’t know him. Besides, it's not like he could do so in the real world. _Is it the real world or is this one?_

Mr. Murphy asked annoyed, “I got called during a meeting so what did he do this time?” He pulled out his phone and typed something quick before giving the short man in the chair his full attention.

“Are you okay Connor?” the kinder woman, Connor’s mother, asked. She noticed Evan’s arm and bit her lips. A million ideas seemed to have been running through her head.

Unlike before, Evan noticed that Connor looked a lot like his mother. Not that Connor looked like a girl, well he kinda did with his long messy hair from behind...Evan shook the idea away of Connor dressing like his mother. Actually, he stopped the comparison there. Weird images were flashing through his head. Yep. Connor should definitely invest in a haircut sometime soon. Now an image of him with his mother’s hair plagued Evan’s mind.

Ok. He should stop there and pay attention to what was happening.

“-Connor here was found standing over an injured Evan in the computer room. Passing students reported that they heard yelling and other noises. That prompted the faculty to investigate and find the two,” Mr. Kawaguchi explained to the adults.

Mr. Murphy sent his son an obvious glare of disappointment mixed with disgust. Evan opened his mouth to clarify but the principle beat him to the punch. “Evan here was about to explain how it was ‘his fault’ as you all were coming in.” The man gestured to the silent stuttering teen. Evan instinctively shrunk as he slumped over and rubbed his good hand over the cast.

Mrs. Murphy’s eyes sparkled with interest. Good, she saw the name. Evan could fix things. “Uh-well I will explain that!” Evan squeaked. He cleared his throat and tried to avoid the gazes of everyone in the room. Especially Connor’s own. His heart leaped a few times. “Well Um..I...Kinda tackled Connor.”

“Tackle?” Mr. Murphy and his wife repeated in confusion.

The principle crossed his arms and leaned back into his chair. “Go on…”

“See! I didn’t-” Connor began but stopped when the principle sent him a silencing glare. Connor slouched back and continued tapping his foot at a rapid pace. He turned his head away from Evan, but he could see Connor’s strained, clenched cheeks.

Evan scratched his cast, earning him a warning tap from his mother to stop. Evan shrunk even more. “Earlier today some students were picking on him...and he thought I was with him. Which is why some people said that he threatened me! But he didn’t! Not truly!”

The tapping was paired with a huff through the nose.

“He was looking for me during lunch. I was printing out something for myself. He apologized and signed my cast.”

Mrs. Murphy tilted her head in curiosity. Her husband checked something on his phone for what felt like the sixth time.

“He signed your cast sweetie?” his mother inquired. Evan could feel her excitement.

“Why would he do that?” Mr. Murphy asked nonchalantly.

Evan mustered all the strength he had and smiled, “Because we are friends!”

Connor turned, his blue eyes wide. “Friends? Connor I didn’t know you had a friend!” Mrs. Murphy exclaimed.

Connor’s expression disappeared and he looked away again. “Uh-of course we are friends. I just didn’t expect him to **tackle** me.”

“Haha,” Evan said and rubbed the back of his head. “I kinda got carried away! I tend to do that sometimes…”

Connor giggled bitterly and shook his head. “No shit Sherlock…”

“Connor!” his parents scolded in unison.

Evan forced out a laugh, feeling the blush blooming in his cheeks. “That's just Connor Mr. and Mrs. Murphy!”

Connor genuinely laughed softly, “God you are so weird…” He stopped and looked at the principle. “I kinda overreacted. I mean, I thought the quarterback came out of nowhere to take me out.”

“I did want to join the team,” Evan added.

“Coach definitely needs you then. With that arm, you can totally knockout some big guys.”

Butterflies flew around his rib cage. “I see that this situation has been cleared up,” the principal said with a knowing smile.

 

* * *

 

**_Out of the office_ **

 

That was the first time someone didn’t disappoint Connor. Someone who actually followed the code of **_fake friends_ **! If there was a code. Maybe he could start working on that after his smoke. Connor mentally shrugged as he and his parents left the principal's office. He and Evan did get detention. Thankfully no one is allowed to talk in a boring classroom so he wouldn’t have to interact with the creep. Even though that creep did help him, he was still a creep. Evan almost raped Connor for crying out loud. Who knows what the hell is going on in the quiet guy’s head! 

Shake that thought away. Connor didn’t wanna know anything about this guy.

Connor smiled in response to his father’s skeptical frown. He still didn't trust Connor. His son’s track record of being a bad boy may have been put on hold, but they both knew something will come up, Connor took it as a compliment just in spite of the bastard. He was half tempted to bow dramatically and announce, “This time I did not start shit!” His mother was the complete opposite of his father. She was ecstatic. New information containing anything positive about Connor’s life made her happy. Proof to Connor that he sure was a fucking handful for her. To the both of them.

_Fuck them. It will all be over soon._

“Connor! Why don’t you introduce us to your friend! We are dying to be properly acquainted. Aren’t we?” she grinned and practically jumped in place as she waited for her husband to respond.

That's when the bastard’s skepticism intensified. Connor internally groaned. He could never satisfy him. Connor placed on his show smile and dramatically waved towards Evan. He was leaving the office with his mother behind him. The shorter woman sent them a warm smile. Connor felt his own become real, if only for a moment.

“Mom, dad this is my friend Evan,” he announced. The handicapped teen blushed furiously. Connor swore his father’s eyebrows were going to fly off of his head. Connor chuckled darkly. “See! I signed his cast!”

“Yeah! No one else did…” Evan awkwardly added. Evan’s mother beamed pridefully. Connor wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. Evan squeaked.

“He is a weirdo, but hey,” Connor shrugged, “that just means he is awesome. Like me.”

If he had a camera he would show the world how one can lose their eyebrows in five seconds. One look at his father and the man lost them. It became hard to hold back his insane laughter. Thankfully, Evan’s mom put in her two cents and saved him by saying, “I am Heidi Hansen by the way, Evan’s mom!” She thrusted her hand out eagerly. Connor’s mother gripped it with growing enthusiasm.

“We are the Murphys! I am Cynthia and this is Larry,” she replied. “We are thrilled to meet you.”

“Same here!”

“So uh...another reason why I was looking for this guy-” Connor rubbed Evan’s head. Evan giggled, it was obviously awkward. But it was cute enough to hide the fact that he was trembling. Connor held onto him tighter. Parents could smell fear a mile away and he had to hide Evan’s or else they could smell all of the bullshit. If that happens, it will be an eternity until Connor gets his smoke. Even longer for his plans.

“He was going to help me with my art class! He knows the teacher. So I need his help with things like impressionism and that Picasso guy,” the words fell easily off of his tongue.

“Yep,” Evan agreed.

“Is it like ok if we run off? So he can be the good-” he squeezed Evan’s shoulder for emphasis and a silent message to the creepy teen, _fucking go with it._ “-friend he is!”

“I see no problem with that,” Evan’s mother said.

“That's wonderful!” his mother clapped her hands. “Oh Heidi- can I call you that?” Heidi gave a confirming nod. His mother continued, “-would you like to join Larry and I- I mean we just met but we would love to invite you and Evan over for dinner sometime.”

“Oh!? Really?” the woman asked, he voice laced with excitement.

“Yeah,” his father said in confusion. “Wait what?”

“How about tonight?”

“Wait what?” Connor looked between the two women chatting away like chipmunks.

“We will be there! I can pick you two up from school and we can go together,” Heidi turned to the two boys. Evan was sweating. _Gross_.

“Yeah!” Evan agreed.

“Sounds great!” Connor forced the biggest smile. He tapped his fingers against Evan’s shoulder. “But we really need to do the art crap…”

“Ok! Evan, text me when you are done. Ok?” Heidi said. Evan nodded.

“See you guys later!” Connor tried to get as far away from these crazies as possible without drawing suspension to their ruse. He let go of his shoulder but held onto his good hand.  He dragged Evan after him. God even his hands were sweaty.

_This fucking creep…_

That's probably why his heart skipped a beat when he glanced at Evan’s dark red face. He felt his own pale cheeks warm up from the embarrassment.

_God I seriously need that smoke!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you MidnightMoon17, Raincoloredeyes, IsomniaticFrenchToast, PsychologicalColors, Sarcastic Radiation, Winkj, mdmpinkie9088 and Yup_the_feels for your comments. (I have this story on Fanfiction and AO3). I would list off more of the amazing people who left kudos, follows and likes as well but then the list will get a little too long. I didn’t expect this kind of response. I never get any so I usually feel like a story goes to waste whenever I share it.
> 
> I could say a million more thanks but that would be a bit redundant. I tried to get part two out as quickly as I can but I also wanted to make it a bit longer. And there was also finals, and work, and “The Greatest Showman Soundtrack” (I am totally “not” slacking on anything). Honestly thank you all, and I hope this gets as much or more feedback. I am trying to write and share more consistently for various reasons.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Leave a comment, bookmark or kudo. I love feedback in all of its different forms!


	3. My R Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are thoughts of suicide in this chapter. More obvious than the others I should have put this before. So please be careful if you are sensitive to that. But do remember this is a musical about suicide and the effects it has on others. If one has any similar thoughts, reach out to someone. Even if it feels stupid, irrelevant or some other reason that comes to mind.

Chapter 3: My R Part 1

* * *

 

 

**_August 3rd, 2015_ **

 

**_After the parents left_ **

 

 _Lies_ Evan just couldn't get away from them. He was wondering if he was some kind of natural pathological liar. Or is it just the teenage thing to do? Lie about everything and hope that it will turn out fine but stress out beyond control about it. God, he felt old. High School was seriously a year ago for him. He felt so out of place in this Freaky Friday remake setting. Not entirely accurately and he just switched places with his past self, not with another person. Evan would die if that happened.

Connor let go of Evan the moment they turned down another hallway. He rubbed his cold hands on his cargo pants while cursing. "Jesus! Fucking sweet all over my damn hand!" Connor shuddered. Evan gulped/ Did he really sweat that much?

He felt the anxiety kicking in, resulting in Evan shrinking from the inside. He pats his hands together softly in an attempt for them to dry.  _Great job, now I am grossing out the guy I am trying to save!_ "Sorry," Evan meekly replied. He shifted his weight between his two feet.

_What now?_

Connor's green-blue eyes narrowed suspiciously. "You're not going to go all banshee on me or something?" Connor took a few cautious steps back, "Are you?"

 _God he was not going to let that crap go! That whole stupid situation was like an hour ago._ Evan paused his thoughts. Maybe an hour isn't enough time to get over a traumatic tackling experience but still. Evan did what he had to do to prevent the past from repeating itself. That still left a whole new realm of what-ifs.

"Nuh-no!" Evan felt himself tremble. "I'm sorry for thu-that. I just kinda acted without thinking and stuff..."

Connor scoffed and shook his head. "Whatever. Imma meditate somewhere and-" Connor clasped his hands as he openly formulated a plan, "-and you are going to do whatever a creeper like yourself-" Connor pointed with both of his hands at Evan, "-does when you ain't creeping near me!" Connor pointed at himself with his thumbs. "Sound good? Just wait around for your mom to pick you up!"

"Me?" Evan said in confusion His eyes widened as he processed the information. Connor was already walking to God knows where. "Wait we're not going together? But you said-"

"I said a lot of bullshit back there. Doesn't mean I will follow up on that kind of crap."

"What do I say to my mom?" Evan groaned. "Wai-"

Connor whirled around and smiled the fakest smile anyone would create. "When you see her-" With enthusiasm reserved only for puppies and happy toddlers, Connor answered, "Just tell her I got a different ride home or stayed after for more art shit. Use your imagination!" Connor waved his hands away from each other slowly while moving his fingers, mimicking a certain cartoon Evan couldn't name at the moment. "Kay?"

"Uuuhh"

"Good pep talk. Bye Creep!" Connor left.

He was gone. Just like that. Evan's mind was fogged with questions and insane scenarios popping into his head. This entire situation just became more and more confusing. At some point, he would have to accept that maybe this was the real world. Or something like that. Evan didn't know. He never knew anything, did he?

The school bell rang, which added another question to Evan's long list.  _What period is it?_ Gosh, can he even remember his school schedule? Students practically ran out of their classrooms. Evan could only speculate where. He was tired of everything. He felt his eyes droop.

An eager arm was thrown across his shoulders. "So!" Jared began in a fit of giggles, "I heard you and Connor were getting freaky in the computer lab!"

Evan's response was becoming a tomato. Alana frowned deeply. "Seriously Jared? Leave him alone." The intelligent girl adjusted her glasses and worriedly looked Evan up and down. "Are you ok? You did just go to the principle's office. That and there are some rumors running around the school. It's like Yellow Journalism."

"What's that?" Jared asked as he let go of the teen. Evan wanted nothing more than to disappear. He glanced around him and noticed students whispering or staring. A few laughed amongst themselves. Evan instinctively cupped his hands and dipped his head down in shame.

Happy to answer Alana began her mini-lecture, "So Yellow Journalism is-"

"So buddy! Tell me the dirty deets! How far did you and Connor go?" Jared wiggled his eyes. Evan opened his mouth to protest but Jared continued, his voice zipping by like a race car, "I heard there were no pants and underwear. Was he freaky?"

"Jare-"

Jared's eyes sparkled with excitement that only gossip can bring, "Did he really flash the teacher? Did you flash the teacher? I heard there were toys!"

_What were people saying?!_

Jared grabbed Evan's shoulders and practically bounced in place, "Weretherewhomadethefirstmovewhoistop? OMGareyouguysforreal?!"

"NOTHING!" Evan shouted. He realized how loud he was and now those whispering around her were blatantly staring at him. Clenching his fists and staring at his  _buddy_ Evan said, "Nothing happened! It was an accident okay?"

Alana and Jared stared at him, baffled by his outburst. "Jeez, you didn't have to scream like a banshee," Jared rubbed his ears. "Well, I gotta go, talk to you guys later!" Jared practically skipped down the hallway to a group of teens. His real friends if Evan remembered correctly.

Alana forced a smile and politely said, "Well if you need any help just let me know. I'll be in the library" She left.

Evan crossed his arms, or at least tried to, and walked down the hallway. He tried to tune out the dreadful gazes. Alone. He always ended up alone. Even if he did do the right thing or not. Was this the right thing? Would it even be worth trying? 

* * *

The rooftop was the most loner anime guy thing to do. It was a nice day for a smoke too. The railing was still singed from the late summer rays while the new clouds were cooling the concrete floor. A soft wind brushed a strand of Connor's messy hair.  He twirled the janitor keys between his cold fingers. A bud for a set of keys. A fantastic transaction if Connor said so himself.

Looking down at the front of the school, Connor saw that the grass was as dry as hell. It could probably start a fire or something. Connor inhaled. The concrete pathway leading to the parking lot was so dirty, it was like a damn Michelangelo. He was the guy who painted with cubes right? Connor mentally shrugged.  _Whatever. Aren't all artists the same?_

Connor exhaled. His nerves were slowly taking in the release. He leaned forward, his arms resting on the railing. He stared at the ground. A thought came to his mind.

_What would it be like to fall down from here? Would it hurt? Would I no longer feel anything?_

It's not like anyone would care. Not if he jumped off. Maybe people would be mortified to see his fucked up body splattered everywhere but the school would get over it soon. No one cared now. So why would anyone care if he died?

He would just disappear. His name would be forgotten. He knew his family would treat any sign of his existence as taboo. Connor just wondered. Would it hurt to disappear? Is there a heaven? Connor chuckled darkly. He would probably go to hell. Maybe he would become Satan's best friend and smoke shit on his throne. That would be fun.

_I can find out. Real quick too. Right? Wouldn't dying be quick? End everything before I fuck up more shit. Like the fall itself can like scare my heart shitless and kill me. I think. If not would I feel the ground?_

All he had to do was step over. Close his eyes and let go. It was tempting. Just let it all go. He just felt so tired. So fucking tired. Connor closed his eyes.  _ **Everyone would be better off without me.**_

He gripped the rail tightly. His knuckles became an unusual shade of white. Taking a deep breath Connor tried to clear his mind. Everyone else was tired of his bullshit. He knew it. They knew it. Everyone knew it. Everyone...

Why the fuck did Evan come to his mind?

Connor pushed back and opened his eyes. He took out his bud and shook his head. That damn creeper needed to keep to his own goddamn business! Disgusted with himself Connor took a couple more steps away from the rail. He felt tears build up. Angrily, he rubbed his eyes. Connor decided to lean against one of the ac units on the rooftop and slide down to sit. Holding back his sobs he cursed himself.

"I am so fucking weak...Why can't I do it?" he whispered. He pulled his knees close to his chest. "And why the fuck did that stupid Creep come to my mind!?"

The door leading to the rooftop opened. "Connor?" 

* * *

“Hey sweetie!” his mother greeted from her car. Her excitement faded when she noticed her son by himself. “Where’s your friend?”

Evan forced his seven hundredth smile for that day and said, “Uh, he said he was going home with Zoe. His sister.” _Smooth Evan, you can totally be the next star for Pretty Little Liars. If only you were pretty but horrible lies? Check!_

His mother hummed in understanding and unlocked the car door. “Well get your butt in Mr. Hansen! We have a lot to discuss before we get to the Murphy’s house!”

GGreat,van prayed to God that Connor had a change of heart and would be there. Or maybe it might be good if he wasn’t there. Today has been just one embarrassment after another. Evan didn't do his best to hide his depression. His mother noticed but pursed her lips instead of stating the obvious. Strange, Evan never noticed this the first time around. _Guess I was too selfishly caught up in my own world to notice anything._

“Hey mom…” _I need to be honest with her. She always tried so hard for me. Maybe she can help me._ “I don’t know what to do…”

His mom hummed attentively. “You and Connor are not really friends...are you?” she asked. Evan froze. He broke his trance and awkwardly laughed. His mom sighed. “I’m your mother honey...I can tell when you are uncomfortable. Although it looks like you had a little thing for him back there.”

“Oh God not you too mom!”

The woman laughed as the car came to life. “I am sorry, ok now back to seriousness. What's wrong?”

 _No one would believe me if I told them I lived in a world where Connor killed himself and I got popular by lying about knowing him so…_ “I guess.” _How should I explain this without sounding completely insane?_ “I just had a dream.”

“A nightmare?”

Evan laughed sadly and shook his head. “Too real to be a nightmare.” His throat became thick as his hands trembled. He needed to calm himself down. “Like someone, I knew about died. But like I took advantage of that and lied. Everything was great until the truth came out. That's when everything fell apart."

"Lies don't do anyone good honey."

 "But like...I wake up today and see the guy I dreamed about killing himself." His mother was silent. "And I just...I dunno I couldn't let what happened in my dream happen in real life. So I kinda went ballistic and tackled him. I felt such deja vu and didn't want anything to happen to him. Not because I got in trouble in my dream..."

"You feel guilty...Don't you?"

"Yeah, not just for the lying but for not being there for someone else."

"Then...Why don't you go after him now?"  _God Connor is so scary! Evan completely forgot about that. This wasn't just one of his fantasies!_

His mother read his face like a book. "Honey...This is the first time I've seen you passionate about something. At least, developing a passion. And if you feel like you need to run up to this Connor kid and help him? Then help him. I don't know much about him, but he seems similar to you."

"What do I do though?"

"What do you think you should do?"  _Crawl underneath a rock and hide forever. Or go to Connor right now and drag his pot headed ass to the car. Would that be considered kidnapping?_

"Where would I even find him?" Evan covered his face with his good hand. "He left the moment we were away from you and his parents."

His mother crossed her arms and said thoughtfully, "If I was a dramatic teenager again going over my angst phase...Where would I go?"

Evan thought about what he knew of Connor. He thought about the forest, but Connor didn't seem like he would kill himself. Besides he died in the park. The teen's mom came to his mind. She showed Evan Connor's room. A poster was there. It was something anime. Wait...

"I know! Mom, will you still be willing to give Connor a ride to his house?"

"Mmmhmm! You bet I will!" she eagerly replied. "Now go get him tiger!"

"Thanks mom!" Evan took off his backpack and left the car. His mother smiled after him and leaned back in her seat. Evan glanced back at her.

**_No matter what. I'll be here. When it all feels so big. Till it all feels so small._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being patient! I hope my absence hasn't been too horrible. This was supposed to come out last week but I kinda lost the original draft to this chapter (Which I am now dividing into two parts) in a plane ride back home. After a few days of trying to rewrite everything, I got really sick for another week. Here I am, on my last day of sick leave. I could barely talk coherently, much less write. I am deeply sorry about that. But the next part should out within ten days. Might be less. But shouldn't exceed ten.
> 
> To the fun part of the notes! I have been asked if this was going to be a slash fic. I am not sure. This was originally going to be a oneshot. And I did not plan or think about making their relationship romantic. I can change that of course. Let me know in the comments or message me. I will count or determine what you guys want and I'll do my best! Either way, their relationship will take time. This isn't a Disney film where you fall in love in a few days. That and I redid my outline for this story, and I want them to get into more trouble together!
> 
> "My R" is the inspiration for this chapter and what I am going to do with these two boys in the future. Check out the animatics by Mushie R. or FreeSmooches. They are beautiful if you have not seen them. Also for the Heidi, Evan's mom, she reminds me a lot of my own mom and her situation. Her song "So Big, So Small" made us both cry. Characters like Heidi will become more important. This also includes Zoe too! It'll come together. I just hope everyone is excited. I will try to get out the next chapter soon. It will be longer!
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. Leave me a comment or kudo or bookmark! I love the feedback and it lets me know that people are still interested in what happens next. Have a wonderful day/night!


	4. My R Part 2

Chapter 4: My R Part 2

* * *

 

**August 3rd, 2015**

**On the rooftop**

 

“Connor?”

Connor didn’t know what was worse, a creep or his sister. He tried to calculate it as the perfect daughter closed the door behind her. The wind brushed a strand of her beautiful chestnut hair. She instinctively pulled a few strands out of her wide-eyed gaze. Her skin seemed paler than normal.

“What the fuck do you want?” Connor growled. He didn’t need another damn reminder on how he was the worst fucking person in the whole fucked up universe! Connor gritted his teeth and looked back at the rail. So close. Yet it was so far.

_I can’t do it in front of her…_

“Connor…” she whispered.

“Yes, my name is Connor. What the fuck do you want?”

The girl’s sad green eyes widened in awe. Connor noticed her lip tremble. Something she did when she was about to cry. _Crap I did it again…_ Connor stood and shuffled his weight between his feet. He wanted to go over to her and comfort her. Comfort her for what though? What would be the fucking point? The damage is already done. He wanted to hop off of that rail. End everything right here. He wouldn’t feel anything. He wouldn’t be hurting anybody. There would be nothing. **_Nothing…_  **

But he couldn’t do that to Zoe. No...She deserved better. She didn’t need to be scarred by seeing his dead body like that.

“You’re-” her voice trembled and she cleared her throat. In a calmer, lower tone she asked, “What are you doing up here?”

“Breathing in Mother Nature’s asshole,” Connor shrugged nonchalantly. “Who else would come to the fucking rooftop of the school?”

Zoe noticed the half-worn blunt on the ground. Her eyebrow raised and she looked worriedly at Connor. Huh. He hadn’t seen that for a while. Not since he started. It’s not like she would care. His family knew. It was prescribed when he went to those stupid therapy sessions.

“Well, I was wondering if we will be going home together.”

Connor couldn’t exactly tell her that he didn’t plan on going home anytime soon. If at all.

One creep later and Connor’s life officially became a nightmare.

“Aw hell no!” Maybe he can jump off the roof. Or better yet make Creep Pancakes by tossing him off the rails. That would be nice. One problem solved.

“Connor you need to get inside my mom’s car right now!” Evan declared. He froze when he saw Zoe. Connor’s little sister looked like she was ready to hug and strangle Evan at the same time. Connor wished for the latter. No, he should probably do it. The media will have a field day and Connor Murphy would have his moment of fame. Going to prison for the murder of Evan Fucking Rapist Hansen.

“Totally not going in your creepy white van,” Connor snapped.

“Huh?” Zoe said in confusion.

“No! I didn’t mean it like that!” Evan yelled. He waved his hands around nervously. “I-I uh meant that my mom is here to pick us up and-” Evan gulped, “Zoe why are you here?”

“That's my line,” Zoe said harshly. Her expression filled with disgust.

Something inside Connor told him that this was the moment that the big brother came and beat up someone for his little sister. For once Connor wouldn’t have a problem doing so except that said _someone_ had a weapon. A special weapon disguised as a fucking cast that could knock his sorry ass out. So Connor just stood there and watched the exchange. Zoe was on her own for this one. As usual.

He already had his brawl with that broken arm. Connor mentally shuddered at the memory.

“Connor and I were going over to your house to um...have dinner?”

Zoe took a step back. “Wait what?” she recited the common Murphy line of surprise.

“Mom is all googly eyes over his mom like she just found her secret lover or a puppy...something like that,” Connor rolled his eyes. “They kept on squealing. It’s not like I am going. So both of you can fuck off while I go hop over to Lala land.” _Maybe it would be a literal hop._ He didn’t want to get the damn pills at home because then that meant he would have to endure two moms being mom friends. He already had that cup of bullshit for the day.

“Then what are we waiting for?” Zoe suddenly said. “Let’s all go together.”

“Huh?” Connor and Evan exclaimed in unison.

* * *

  
_**Headed to the Murphy's household** _

A tattletale threat later and the Murphys were in the back seat headed to their home. Evan’s mother was behind the wheel, humming along to a Kenny Chesney song while her son stole a few tentative glances of the two siblings. Connor had his arms crossed and scowled at the world past the car window. Zoe leaned on the car door. Her lips were pressed together. It took Evan’s seventh glance to notice that her eyes kept wandering to the teen sitting next to her.

“So how was everyone's day? Aside from Evan being silly that is,” Evan’s mom asked.

Connor remained deadly silent. Not much different from the Connor Evan knew. Zoe forced a small smile, “It's the first day so nothing much really happened. Just the usual syllabus and learning the classroom’s rules.”

“I see! The first days are always boring aren’t they?” the woman said happily. “Oh sweetie is this the right turn?”

“Yes, and make a right at the next stop sign after this,” Zoe replied.

The rest of the ride consisted of Zoe giving Evan’s mother instructions to their house. He watched her eyes wander to the beautiful homes that proved that many rumors about the neighborhood were true. This was a perfect neighborhood with rich families. Evan smiled. It was something small, but it was nice to watch her look around in awe. He remembered feeling so small in this neighborhood. It reminded Evan how rich the Murphys were.

Nice home. Nice car. Nice stuff.

 _And Connor threw it all away._ This was everything that Evan could only dream of having. Everything that he wanted, Connor had. He wondered if Connor would think the same thing if he came over to his house. Probably not. It would probably be an eye opener of the kind of amazing life Connor had. Or could have had. Evan had yet to determine to allow himself to get lost in this world. The world where he didn’t stand by like a coward.

They finally arrived to an eager Cynthia Murphy. Connor was right about the squealing. Evan could admit that. The two woman began jabbering the moment Mrs. Murphy welcomed them in. Connor sulked past the women and up the stairs. The dreadful sounds of his feet treading their way upstairs sent chills down Evan’s spine.

Should he go upstairs and follow him? Connor obviously hated him. Maybe he would try to kill himself now! Anxiety began to build up inside him until Zoe tapped his shoulder. Oh right, he had someone else to freak out about. Zoe Murphy’s obvious disgust with his existence didn’t help.

“I need to talk to you, in private,” she practically hissed. She turned to the happy mothers and announced, “Mom, Evan and I are going upstairs.”

“Alright dear!” Mrs. Murphy said. “Heidi and I will be down here if you need us!”

And God himself declared unto the two children, “Keep the door open!” Evan whirled around to find the source of the voice. Mr. Murphy entered from the dining room and leaned in the doorway with his arms crossed. He sent warning daggers towards Evan. Zoe nodded and grabbed Evan’s hand to drag him up the stairs.

Evan prayed that he wasn’t sweating. He embarrassed himself enough to Connor, he didn't need to ruin his chances with Zoe again! Would he try to get back together with her? God he didn’t deserve her. She was so beautiful, inside and out. Yet that brought on another question. What did she want with him?

He remembered Zoe’s room well. It was unkempt in an organized way. If that made sense, then again nothing in Evan’s life seemed to make sense. She had a nice bookshelf filled with pictures and trophies from the past. Her desk had her laptop and a small pile of notebooks. A bra was hanging on the wooden chair, causing the teenager to blush and look to her unkempt closet.

Zoe left the door slightly open. She kept her back to Evan who nervously searched for escape routes. She took a deep breath and said in a soft voice, “What is going on?”

“Huh?” Evan scratched his cast. What did he do this time?

Zoe turned around, her eyes puffy from the tears that were ready to gush out. She continued in a bubble of sobs, “What is going on? Why is my brother alive?” 

Did she know? Evan went to her and stuttered his movements to hug her or not. They weren’t together. And if she knew everything he knew, then she definitely wouldn’t want any comfort from him. “Do you know what I know?”

“That my brother killed himself last year and now I wake up today back in time as if nothing happened?” Zoe answered. She nodded, “I thought this was some kind of dream about my past classes or something…” she pushed passed him and sat on her bed and wiped the tears off of her face. They came back with a vengeance. “And theh-then I see him on the rooftop like nothing happened. God, I almost forgot how much of an ass he was. Evan, what the actual fuck?”

“I don’t know what's going on!” Evan exclaimed. He lowered his voice and paced around the room, “Last night I just had spaghetti and meatballs with my mom. And I wake up in English class, the period right before lunch where I see Connor for the last time. Before he-he…”

Zoe shook her head in denial and ran a hand through her soft hair. “But I heard that you and Connor got into a legit fight. That obviously didn’t happen last time. So that's why I thought this was all some messed up dream.”

“I thought so too...but so far it isn’t a dream...Ah-as for that fight thing it was just some crazy misunderstanding!”

Zoe narrowed her eyes and sniffed back her tears. “This obviously didn’t happen last time either. So I guess you are as clueless as I am about what the hell is going on?”

“Yeah...Just…” Evan scratched his cast again and stared at the name on it. “Unlike before...I didn’t want to just let it all happen again. You know? So I was stupid and caused that little fight between Connor and I.” Although Connor would describe that event more colorfully.

Zoe fidgeted with the cuffs of her jeans and closed her eyes. A few, possibly the last, few tears raced down her red cheeks. “Yeah, I get what you mean. When I realized that everything was just too real to be a dream, I looked for him. I didn’t know what I was thinking or what I was going to do. I just-” she let out a shaky breath, “I just needed to see him. To save him.”

Evan’s heart skipped a beat. She felt the same way Evan did the moment he tackled Connor. The moment he decided to change fate. Was it fate if it never happened to begin with? Was this some kind of cruel joke?

“I wished I knew what was going on,” Evan began. He took a deep breath as his heart ached at the memories of his stupidity. The memory of seeing Connor Murphy being buried six feet underground stained his heart. Something that he prevented, more like postponed, today. “I don’t know what to do. Except to actually do something.”

“Do what?” Zoe glared at him. “Lie like last time?”

“In my defense, Connor did that. Sort of...but actually try to be there for him.”

“In other words, you are going to seduce my brother?”

“Why do you have to say it like that!?”

Zoe weakly smiled and laughed genuinely, “I heard rumors.” Her pathetic giggles died as depression swept over her face. “Evan...I don’t know. I see my brother alive. And thank God he is alive...but he was- he is not the guy you painted him out to be last time.”

“I kinda realize that. He’s really terrifying,” Evan said quickly. “I wanna hide under a rock when he passes by.”

“Makes two of us.”

Evan stopped moving and stood tall. As tall as a pathetic human being like him can be. _No. I am not like before. I am different. I know more._ Over a year of letters, he changed. He threw his insults to himself into the mental trash can. With determination, he looked to Zoe Murphy. “I don’t care about last time right now. I messed up big time.” Zoe avoided his gaze and took a pillow to hug. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I don’t deserve anything from anyone...Yet I want to ask you for your help.”

Zoe closed her eyes. Her fingers dug into the fluffy pillow. Evan continued, “I want Connor to realize his own worth. So he can live.”

“What if he is worth nothing? He might already be too far gone. My family and I made sure of that last time. Because we fucked up too.”

“And that was last time.”

Zoe bit her lip.

“Fine, don’t help me. I thought I was going to have to do this all alone anyways. But I am going to do what I should have done last time. Now I have a second chance and I can’t screw this up.”

Zoe didn’t reply. She opened her eyes only to look outside her window. The sun was setting behind the mountains. The sky exploded in a mixture of blue and gold.

“I am going to do what I can to save your brother.”

“Hey kids! Dinner is ready!” Mrs. Murphy called from downstairs. “We decided to order pizza!”

Zoe went to the door and shouted back, “Okay mom! We’ll be down in a minute!” She opened the door wider and said gently, “Connor stopped coming to dinner months ago. He’s probably in his room…” She handed him a silver key. “I’m going to wash my face...And I’ll come up with an excuse for you when I go down there.”

“Thank you…” Evan said in awe. Zoe never ceased to surprise him.

Zoe scoffed and said darkly, “Just don’t screw up again...I don’t want to have to bury my brother a second time.” She went to the bathroom. Evan stood in the middle of the hallway and stared at the door that the key opened to.

Mustering up his courage, Evan opened the door. He prayed he could open Connor’s heart to save him.

* * *

_**Connor's Room** _

Connor fell asleep. His intention was to...do something. He had a purpose for running off to his room. What was it? Hide from Perfect Murphy and Creep? Must have been sleep. The moment he slipped out of his boots he fell head first into his pillow. It's a wonder he didn’t suffocate to death.

There was nothing, at first. Connor felt cold. He hugged himself and rubbed his arms in an attempt to warm himself up. That’s when he noticed he wasn’t wearing his sweater. When Connor looked down he saw a suit. Confused he inspected his body. Yep, he was wearing a suit. He loosened the death grip a red tie had around his neck. Damn, how could people wear these things? Maybe that’s why his dad was always so pissy. He wore stupid shit like this all the time.

Why the hell was he wearing a suit?

Connor’s mind relaxed as his body ached. He just felt so fucking tired. Yet he couldn't fall asleep. God...well he was dreaming, right? It's weird to be tired in your own dream. Connor closed his eyes and smelled the air. He smelled grass, and metal. The air around him became cold. The temperature seemed to continue to drop. He could hear his heartbeat slowing down.

So tired.

 _So fucking_ **_tired_ ** …

“Hey kids! Dinner is ready!” his mother shouted. Connor jolted awake to find the darkness of sheets. “We decided to order pizza!”

Groggily Connor turned his head to the wall his bed was against. _What time is it? Feels like an episode of the Twilight Zone._ The teenager snuggled back into his bed. This time he squiggled underneath the thick sheets. He clutched the pillow against his chest and buried his face in it again.

His thoughts remained on that strange dream. It felt too real. More real than when he was actually awake. _Weird._ The built-up exhaustion from the day began to cash in their earnings.

Connor wasn't hungry anyway. No one would miss him if didn't go downstairs. Perfect Murphy and Creep were probably best friends. Ha. It would make sense. Zoe was so beautiful. She was sweet and kind. Connor didn't deserve to have her as a sister. He didn't deserve anything. She deserved a better big brother.

Evan, that fucking weirdo, was-

Light suddenly escaped into his dark room. Unnatural light. Connor made sure he couldn't seen the light of day in his room. He only removed the curtains to look at the night sky. It calmed him down sometimes. This light was only brought to life by the state if the art light bulb from Home Depot.

The teen dared to look at the source to find Evan Hansen. Evan this. Evan that. Evan is everywhere. Its like he is the main character for some kind of depressive slice of life story. In Connor’s case its the antagonist for his soon to be memoir. _Why the hell is he everywhere?_

“Hey um...Connor,” Evan greeted. _Fucking awkward as usual._ He resembled the normal quiet kid in the background that Connor knew. Connor sat up instantly and readied himself to bolt out of his room. _That's this creep’s fucking plan! Get me at my most vulnerable situation and strike! But this time I am ready for his tackling cripple attack!_

Evan visibly flinched at Connor’s distrustful gaze. “I am sorry,” he said softly.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Didn't you already say that before?” He seriously hated people who repeat themselves over and over all the fucking time. It was annoying. Say it once and that's all.

“Dinner is ready.”

“I'm not going,” Connor shrugged. He leaned on the wall, his fists clenched tightly. “So what the hell do you want?”

Evan glanced at the ground, seeming to be in deep thought before changing his gaze to Connor. There was something in his eyes. Anger? Passion? Determination? Connor couldn't interpret it.

“Aren't we supposed to be fake friends?”

“I think _fake friends_ gets translated into something else Tom Brady,” Connor sneered. _Maybe I can scare the fucker off. He was skittish enough._

Evan took a few steps in and took in Connor’s deathly empty room. Connor spent a lot of his time in here when he wasn’t outside doing random shit or downstairs arguing with his family. Which meant he was here a fourth of his time. Quite a bit if Connor said so himself. He watched Evan.

The guy reminded Connor of a scared cat. One that is thrown in a dog’s kennel. He was obviously scared yet he was trying to appear big. Or in Evan’s case, brave. At least that's what Connor could tell.

_Unless he is looking around just to add on to the crappy rumors about me._

Connor bit his bottom lip. His voice laced with venomous sarcasm he asked, “So what's it like to look into a freak’s room?”

“Hm? Your room is-” Evan’s eyes widened as he continued his idiotic search, “-dark…”

“That's my grand secret. I love dark places!” Connor replied. A half-truth was good.

“Why?” Evan asked.

“Most people avoid it,” Connor replied. _I don't deserve to be in the light. I will die alone in the dark so no one will have to be bothered. I am all alone._ Now that Connor thought about it, being in the dark was like his dream. As strange as it was, being alone felt like that. Would dying be the same?

“I see. Can I sit down?”

“Why don't you run off downstairs and entertain the masses?” Connor raised an eyebrow.

“Because I want to be with you.”

“Eh? What's your endgame here? Want new content to talk about with your asshole called a friend?” Connor growled.

“Are you talking about Jared?”

“Whatever his name is, he doesn't know jack shit.”

Evan twiddled his thumbs. “Jared doesn't have a filter.” Was he blushing? It might have been the light from the hallway and lack of light in his room.

“No shit.”

“But what you said before, about being fake friends?” Evan said. Connor nodded for him to continue. “I was wondering if we could take out the fake part and be friends?”

“Is tackling part of the friend initiation?”

“Oh my God no one will seriously let that go. It is getting old,” Evan muttered angrily to no one in particular. It was stupid. Stupid enough for Connor to laugh at his dispense.

Connor giggled, “It kinda happened a few hours ago.” He shook his head. “You act like it was a billion years ago.”

“After everything else that happened? Yes, it has-” Evan snapped back only to freeze. “Uh- I...I dunno…” 

“God you're fucking weird.”

“So are you.”

“Touche.”

They sat there in silence. Connor allowed his thoughts to consume his attention. This guy wanted to be friends. He had a list of crap to go through to see if he was friendship material.

Evan was quiet. Normally. Recently he's been running around and knocking the shit out of random people. Other than that, he was no one. Unlike Connor, he wasn't the joke of the crowd. He wasn't the freak that everyone made him be. Evan never seemed to have participated in the bullying. Or in the rumors. He was never involved. In group projects, he seemed okay enough. Connor rarely interacted with him. In the eyes of the common people, he didn't attract any attention. Maybe that's why he felt guilty when he yelled at him. He did nothing. He said nothing. He was nothing. That also meant that he had no one. Today might have been the most exciting day in Evan’s life.

“I want to be a real friend,” Evan added.

And this _no one_ wanted to be his friend. It literally took someone who had nothing to do with Connor’s misery at school, at home, to have the desire to get to know him. To take a simple polite gesture like signing his cast into a reason to be his friend.

“I'm not friend material,” Connor muttered. He turned his gaze away from the other. He couldn't stand to look at those blue eyes. “I am not really social material.”

“Neither am I.”

 _Stubborn bastard_. “Being my friend is like going on the highway to hell.”

“Then when can I start that dance with the devil?”

Damn, that was the smoothest thing he ever said. Connor laughed again. “Alright you got me!” He raised his hands in mock surrender. “You're fucking stubborn.”

“You're worse than me,” Evan raised an eyebrow.

“I guess we can try to be friends?”Connor didn’t know if it was a statement or a question.

“Yes!” Evan exclaimed and stood up with his hands raised in victory. “Perfect-uh...I mean good!” He scratched his cast. He couldn’t hide his wide smile.

Connor scoffed again. “Yep...fucking weird.”

“You've said that too many times already.”

Connor stood and towered over the shorter teen. Evan took a step back, earning a smirk from Connor. “Alright, Evan. Since you are so determined, let's be friends. I wish you the best of luck.”

“Ah-alright,” Evan stuttered. He held up his good hand. “Friends?”

Connor nonchalantly grabbed his hand and they shook. _Thank God he isn't sweating._ “For now creep. But you owe me a tackle.”

“Huh?”

“Don't worry, I'll wait long enough for that arm to heal,” Connor tapped the cast. He walked to the door and gestured for Evan to leave.

“Wa-wait. But I am being serious about this. Tomorrow we have to um...meet each other at luh-lunch!” Evan said.

“See you at computer room again. But I would like some alone time now. And I bet they are wondering if I killed you yet,” Connor replied.

Evan reluctantly left the room. Connor gladly shut the door. _God I thought he would never leave!_ Connor locked it and skipped back to his bed to be lost in its unsatisfying warmth. The darkness crept around him as he took in the cruel cold air.

He was still fucking tired. Connor stayed awake long enough to hear Evan’s retreating footsteps. His heart marched in time before completely fading away. Just like his existence would be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not going to say anything other than...I got a new doggie! It took someone breaking into my house and all but hey! New doggo! Oh goodness, I could go on about her and my other four-legged children! Then a few big things happened that made me unable to actually get on my computer so everything I wrote is on paper.
> 
> Sorry for the absence and due to that fact, two chapters will come out in one day! The next one will be published in 11ish hours so that there is some waiting time. All is a pathetic attempt to ask for forgiveness. Anyways I hope no one has gotten tired of this yet because I had to renew myself for this musical. Hopefully, after the first week of my classes, I’ll have a proper schedule and survive off of caffeine to write and study as usual. For now, I won’t give a certain date, I feel like I am rushed or I will miss it.
> 
> Quite a few readers have said that they want to see these dorks get together. Guess two adorable dorks are getting together! Haha. So thank you Guests, Star-eyed-anime-lover, TheSinicanEmpire, PurpleKitten, FlamingoHipster, mdmpinkie9088, daydammayhem, and AI.G (You’re English is fine! If you need help don’t be afraid to ask!) for all of your comments!
> 
> I enjoy the feedback and I am happy that this is engaging. And it's fun to see the audience slowly grow over time! That's thanks to everyone here! Other than that I have nothing else to say but have a wonderful day/night
> 
> P.S. I almost put this “Yes, my name is Connor I am the android sent by cyberlife.” In response to Zoe calling his name. I just finished my own personal playthrough of Detroit Become Human for research and fun...I love it and it's so funny that my two favorite characters from these stories are named, “Connor.” Yet they are complete opposites. Just so tempted to throw that in there. But Detroit obviously came out in 2018 not 2015 where this takes place.


	5. Takis and Oreos

Chapter 5: Takis and Oreos

 

**_August 4th, 2015_ **

**_English Period_ **

* * *

 

Being a highschool student was weird. He already forgot half of the things he learned to make room for his college courses. Perhaps this time he could get better grades for those scholarships he ignored last time. It was a possibility since this strange situation was not a bad dream. Evan realized that when he woke up that morning to his mom giving him one of her pep talks. He thought it was sweet how hard she tried to help him. It only revealed how selfish he was when all of this happened.

“So this semester I’ve decided to do things differently and-”

Evan turned out the sounds of his English teacher. His mind was fogged with a desperate attempt to create a game plan. How does one make friends with a suicidal teen so he can convince said teen not to kill himself? It was easier to lie like last time than to make his words into reality.

Friendships were built on trust and time spent together. Evan knew quite a bit about his childhood thanks to Mrs. Murphy. It would be creepy if he brought up the fact that Connor use to run around the house playing with Zoe. Or the fact that his dad bought him that cool baseball glove that he never used. Or ask him about one of his many silly jokes.

Evan sighed and attracted the attention of his peers around him. Perplex on how to get that Connor out of the walls of hatred, Evan started to doodle on the ends of his notebook. He leaned on his hand while he pretended to pay attention to his professor- eh teacher. _These are teachers, not professors…_

“Mr. Hansen!” Evan blinked back to the present and found the tall man known as Mr. Miller towering over him. His heart skipped a beat when those dark eyes narrowed down upon him. “What book will you be doing your book report on?" 

“Uh-ha I’ll be doing the ree-he-report on…” Evan’s words came out in a jumble of mush. He didn’t even know what he was trying to say. His mind was frozen in fear and his heart decided to run the mile. He tapped his cast, “On-” He recalled he was going to read a memoir by a Ukrainian refugee in his English 101 class. _It was a long and weird name...What was it?_ “I don’t really remember the name but its a memoir about a refugee escaping the Soviet Union in the 1980s.”

Mr. Miller skeptically clicked his tongue and began tapping his foot. “Are you talking about “Lev Golinkin’s _A Backpack, a Bear, and Eight Crates of Vodka_? It was published last fall.” He chuckled, “Ironically I am reading that as well so I can add to the list of titles future students can read.”

In Evan’s time, it was a great book to read. That's what his professor said at the college. This would be a good way to get better grades. Maybe get extra credit if he did the report properly. “Yeah, I found out about it over the summer. And I think it seems very interesting.”

“Fine, if your report is decent, then...you will gain extra points depending on your presentation.” Mr. Miller walked to the front of the class again and announced, “This goes for everyone else in the class. If there is a book that you do not see on this list-” He began shuffling a stack of paper, “Talk with me after class.”

Evan did a mental high five  to himself. Jared whispered, “Lucky!” _Not really. I have another big project to work on…_

Evan didn’t know if Connor would actually show up to school. He didn’t know what Connor would do now. At this point, Connor was dead. Today Evan would have been called to the principal's office asking him about that stupid letter. This meant that everything he did counted towards something. Connor living? Or waking up from this crazy place?

The bell rang for lunch. Jared pounced on his desk. “So I heard Connor kidnapped you,” he said excited.

“Huh? No, I just went over to his house. Our moms are friends.” Those two women were a riot. They couldn’t stop talking last night and bonding over their children and pepperoni pizza. It was cute until his mom began showing Mrs. Murphy pictures of Evan from her phone and Mrs. Murphy doing the same for Zoe and Connor. Evan had to endure seeing Connor and Zoe playing in the bath. But Zoe didn’t have to endure seeing Evan climbing trees in his underwear. _How embarrassing! Besides why did she have that on her phone?!_

“Friends? Oh speaking of which-” Jared teleported to Evans side and pulled out his phone. “Say cheese!" 

“Say what?”

Jared pulled back after five seconds and typed something on his phone. “Thanks dude. Tell me the deets later kay?” He waved goodbye to Evan and skipped to a small group of teenagers. Right, the friends that Jared did actually hang out with. Jared started hanging out with him last time because of those letters. He had way too much fun writing a bunch of crap to make it seem like Connor was gay.

Swinging the backpack around his shoulder, Evan left the classroom and headed to the computer lab. He prayed that Connor was there while also praying for him to no be there. He didn’t want to be on edge the entire time.

_Come on, I am here to be friends with Connor! I am here to help him!_

“Sup Creep,” Connor greeted. Evan smiled awkwardly while screaming on the inside. Did he really have to call Evan a _creep_? When was Evan here already? And Connor actually came?!

“Hi Connor, how are you today?”

Connor sniffed his sweater in response. “Don’t smell like pot today so-” he drawled and looked everywhere but at Evan, “Its an ‘eh’ day." 

“Eh?”

“Exactly." 

“Hi Connor, Evan,” Zoe greeted. Alana was at her side. The girl straightened her glasses and observed the two boys with mild interest. _Seems like Zoe is trying to gather reinforcements._

“Hi Zoe!” Evan squeaked. He couldn’t fight back the blush on his cheeks. Connor rolled his eyes and leaned on the white stained wall. “Um...do you guys wanna have lunch together?”

“Wait we are eating?” Connor asked.

“I wanted to actually go to the library and figure out what to do for my anatomy report for class. But we can’t take food in there so I was going to skip it,” Alana explained. “Zoe and I are...partners?” She looked to the younger Murphy in confusion. “Well, she is better than some other people in class. So it looks like I won’t be doing all the work.”

“Of course not,” Zoe replied with a shrug. “So you guys wanna join us after you eat?”

“There's probably not enough time,” Alana said. “There's only thirty minutes for lunch.”

“Then take food,” Connor said.

Irritation flashed in Alana’s hazel eyes, “Its against school rules. We can get in trouble if we bring trays of food to the library. There is a reason-”

“You only get in trouble is you get caught,” Connor stated the obvious. “We’ll meet you guys at the library.” Alana flinched at Connor’s cold tone when he spoke to Zoe. “Want anything Perfect Murphy?”

Zoe pursed her lips and sighed, “A bag of chips maybe.”

“Alright, see ya’ll in ten minutes. Come on Creep.”

**_Lunch_ **

* * *

 

 

“Uh Alana might be right…” Evan said scared. They were walking towards the cafeteria. Connor smirked at the terrified expression on Evan. He was scared of being caught. Over food?!

“Wow you really are a scaredy cat,” Connor chuckled. Bitterly he continued, “Ya know it's just food. It’s not like we are taking the cafeteria.”

Evan bit his lip and flinched when Connor stepped down a different hallway, away from the cafeteria doors. “Where are we-”

Connor stopped in front of the maintenance door. He casually knocked three times and smugly winked at Evan. There were perks to having the janitor as your supplier for pot and snacks. The door opened to reveal the common cluttered closet known as a janitor’s sanctuary. And said janitor, Hector, smiled when he saw Connor. They bumped fists.

Over his high school career, Connor came to appreciate what Hector did. He usually ended up in the weird places where Connor tried to hide from the general public. After he stopped going to those crappy therapy sessions and got his prescriptions taken away, he found someone else to prescribe what he needed. Hector was a short round man. Very kind if Connor said so himself. He had a family of five. Connor felt bad because he had to work two jobs to take care of the people he cared about. Yet he still tried to help Connor while his life was so busy.

In a nutshell, Hector was technically a friend. Who doubled as his dealer. “Went through everything so quickly already?” the janitor asked. “And this isn’t exactly discreet…” He finally noticed Evan.

“I just need some snacks dude. Going off to the library. But I don’t want that crappy shit they have in the cafeteria.”

“I got some takis and funyuns,” Hector nodded in understanding. He moved a few bottles of chemicals around and pulled out two big bags of said chips. “Need anything else?”

“Have cookies?”

“Oreos.”

“Fuck yeah.”

Hector grinned and handed him the bags before turning around and grabbing the box of oreos. “Enjoy your lunch. Don’t make too much of a mess though. I hate cleaning that carpet.”

“Will do,” Connor smiled. He turned to Evan. “Evan stuff this shit in your bag.”

Evan responded by awkwardly doing what Connor said. Once they were done Hector waved them off before shutting the door. The two teens began their journey to the library. Evan sweated when a teacher passed them. He got even more nervous when they finally reached the library to find Alana and Zoe on a table with a chromebook.

“He seriously had this next to bleach…” Evan muttered.

“Yep.”

“Thats a health hazard.”

“But it's in a bag. Besides this is what friends do right?” Connor didn’t see the big deal. It's just food. Not like they will get into major trouble. If Alana is such a goody two shoes, then they’ll be fine. She is his buffer for the moment. He slouched in the chair next to Alana and across from Zoe.

“Zoe, give me your bag,” Connor whispered and covered his mouth from one side.

“No, the last time I gave you my bag you dumped it in the toilet.”

“Boohoo, give me your damn bag,” Connor growled.

Alana visibly growled at the two. Evan sat across from her and next to Connor. He turned to Zoe, “Connor got us some oreos, takis, and funyuns…”

“Oh my God could you have gotten anything more messy? What if you stain the books or table with taki powder?” Alana hissed at Connor. She scooted a few inches away from Connor when she realized who she was scolding. Connor smirked and nodded to Zoe.

“Give me the funyuns,” Zoe ordered and slid her backpack across the table.

“Give me your bag Evan.”

“Wait?” Zoe gasped. “Evan has the snacks? Seriously why do you need my bag? I can just get them from him.”

Connor shrugged and put the bag of funyuns in Zoe’s backpack. He put the takis in his own bag. “Why not?”

“This is so fucking extra,” she muttered. Connor shoved her backpack back to Zoe. She grudgingly opened the back as quietly as the wrapper would allow. Her eyes darted to the preoccupied librarian.

Alana sent Connor a glare that his father gave him too often. Connor winked and popped a taki in his mouth. “Want one?” he asked half chewing.

“No…” Alana snapped.

_He fucking loss._ Connor continued munching while the two girls whispered something about monkeys. The teen looked to Evan who was slowly, and quietly opening the oreo package. His eyes kept darting around them in case someone attack.

Connor sucked the small coat of red taki sauce from his fingertips. He loved the artificial spicy flavor that swarmed his mouth. Evan softly tapped the table by his arm. “Do you want an oreo?”

It would be a weird combination to eat takis and oreos at the same time. It kinda matched too. Evan was the oreo. Simple yet was different on the inside. And Connor was this fiery taki. He took another one. _I am pretty fucking cool if I am a taki_ . He looked over to Zoe and chuckled softly. She sent him a curious gaze before returning her attention to Alana. They were talking about bears for some reason. _Zoe is a funyun. Well she fun and pretty young. Hehe!_ Connor applauded himself for his own stupid joke.

_What kind of snack would Alana be…_

Connor narrowed his eyes at the girl. She returned her gaze and rolled her eyes. “Zoe is this normal for your brother?” Alana asked.

“I think it just means that he wants to come to the zoo with us,” Zoe answered as if she was stating the obvious. What was this stuff about a zoo?

“Wait what?” Connor said in confusion. He started eating another taki.

“Perfect! You could be my example.” Alana said with enthusiasm. “You won't be completely useless!”

“Huh?” Connor dropped his taki. _NO MY TAKI!!_ The heartbreak of the fallen soldier was too much to bear.

“That sounds like a good idea, can I go too?” Evan said with confidence that Connor believed was nonexistent.

“Wait we are going to a zoo? For what?!” Connor asked.

“For our project. You'll help us right?” Zoe asked. 

Maybe it was time to not be such a dickwad. This was the first time Zoe didn't avoid his presence. Or flinched whenever he spoke. In fact this was the most they have talked in a long time. Connor didn't want to suddenly start being his sarcastic ass self, but this slight change felt sudden.

Did he intentionally do this? Maybe subconsciously he decided to stop being an ass. Or it was the fact that Evan wanted to go. Friends were supposed to spend time together and all of that bullshit.

But spending time with Evan this time meant he would have to spend time with Zoe. Connor didn't think much on it before, but why did he decide to get up today? There was something missing in all of this. Something he was going to do. Just like last night.

Connor felt like he was late for something. Maybe it's from some unusual dream. Well it's not like he got much sleep to begin with aside from the staggered naps. Every time he closed his eyes he was alone in the dark. It was hard to describe. This morning was so sluggish that it was nothing but a blur in his memories.

Everything was clear when Evan came. _Now that was some romance bullshit._ Is this what it's like to change? Connor thought it would take more effort. Unless thinking over his actions and words were probably where one spent most of their effort.

Connor found himself speaking calmly, “Sure, the zoo sounds fun. When will we be going?” 

“How about this Saturday?” Alana said. “I'm free and it gives me time to prepare what I am looking for.”

“When is this project due?” Evan asked.

“Next month!” Alana said eagerly.

This chick was crazy! Who on earth would work on a school project this early!? Connor felt like flipping a table over this girl’s diligence. It's just the first day of school and this girl is already completing her assignments?

“Damn you're a real life Hermione,” Connor muttered in awe.

Evan laughed and Zoe pursed her lips. Alana blushed from embarrassment. “Seriously? Everyone says that!”

“Hm...it fits though. Give me till Saturday and I'll call you something else.”

“I rather be called by my name,” Alana said in irritation.

“And I'd rather be home suffocating myself with my fluffy pillow. It looks like both of us aren't getting what we want.” 

Evan almost choked on an oreo. Connor glanced at him to find the Creep sharing a look with Perfect Murphy. _Are they a thing? Like legit a thing? Is that why he wants to get to know me?_

Bitter anger made its way to the tip of Connor’s throat as he took in those two. Why would some background guy want to suddenly become **_friends_** with him? To get with his little perfect sister.

Just looking at them stated the obvious. They liked each other. Yesterday probably opened a lot of doors for them! Well good for them! Connor slouched in his seat and instinctively glared at Alana. Not that he was angry with her. More annoyed really. Yet everything made sense. Evan wanted to get to Zoe. And a good way to do that was go through a family member. In this case that was a sibling, Connor.

The bell rang. “Well it's settled, let's meet back at the school on Saturday? And then we can all go to the zoo together.” Alana confirmed with a satisfying nod. She stood and put away the chrome book in her bag. She left everyone with a focused expression. Connor could only imagine that she was having a million calculating conversations within her mind.

“Sounds good, right Connor?” Evan said. Fucking Evan Hansen. Connor didn't respond. He just popped another taki in his mouth and left the library.

_I don't fucking care. Everything he said was a lie. As if anyone would want to be friends with a monster like me._

Maybe going to his next class would be a good way to distract himself for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was able to get it out! I apologize for major typos or any errors you see here and there. Its a bit hard to post everything on my phone.
> 
> Anyways thank you for youe fabulous comments thayoneguy, Star-eyed-anime-lover and Stolavita! I hope the rest of the content I write will still captivate you guys!
> 
> Now the next chapter will be out as soon as I can. Please leave a like, kudo, comment, bookmark or follow! I love the feedback and ti hear what people think. 
> 
> Have a wondedful day/night!


	6. Will Today Be a Good Day?

Chapter 6: Will Today Be a Good Day? ****

**_August 8th, 2015_  **

**Connor's room** ****

* * *

  

Connor wanted avoid two fucking annoying lovebirds, his greatest disappointment. Second to himself. He hardly spoke to Zoe to begin with, that wasn’t new or difficult. He knew how she looked at him. He was a monster. He **_definitely_ ** avoided Creep. Whenever he caught a glance of that murderous weapon called a cast he turned the other direction. Why should he even be going to the zoo? _Nicknameless_ approached him in the hallway the other day, inquiring about his _attendance_ to their little trip that Saturday. Normally Connor would shrug and tell the person to fuck off, but Alana seemed too genuine and kind. Unlike the Creep and Perfect Murphy. For them it was probably a date. Alan should not have to end up being the third wheel to whatever the hell they would be doing. 

_You can come if you want, aside from it being a project...I think it would be kind of fun._

One thing led to another and he gave the Hermione reincarnate his phone number. He laid in bed that morning. His sweater reeked of his late night meditation. The sun peeked through the covers of his sheets he buried himself under. His cell phone buzzed to life next to him, the bright white light bringing its own light to the darkness Connor made for himself. Connor groggily turned over to glance at the small device to see a message from Alana.

 

 **Alana** : Still coming to the zoo today?

 

Connor contemplated in responding. When was the last time he received a text message that wasn’t spam or some sick joke? A million years. His fingers hovered over the screen. He took a shaky breath. Should he respond? Alana did come out of her way to see if he was going. Zoe and Evan would be there. He didn’t want to be reminded of how stupid he was for believing that Evan wanted to be his friend. He was uncertain what was going on with smarty pants here. Out of most of his peers, she was like Evan in a sense that she didn’t take part in the name calling or gossip. She stood to the back, but she didn’t seem lonely. She was always busy with her studies, a good kid. Teacher’s pet? No, but they did enjoy her presence over his own. 

If Connor was going to stare at a couple trapped animals like himself, then he supposed he would do so for the girl who wanted to work ahead for her project. Connor blew a strand of his brown hair out of his face as his fingertips graced the screen of his cellphone.

 

 **Connor** : Sure...always wanted to see my brothers in the monkey exhibit

 

He got a message as quickly as he finished sending it.

 

 **Alana** : Great! Meet you there at 10:30?

 

It was 9:15 in the morning.

 

 **Connor** : Kinda early, but sure

 

 **Alana** : You have a different perspective on early

 

 **Connor** : Meh, doesn’t everyone have like a different perspective?

 

 **Alana** : Yes, we do. Alright, I’ll see you guys at 10:30!

 

_...you guys…_

 

Right, Connor would have to go to the zoo with his sister...and Creep...A vile pit appeared at the bottom of his stomach. He shouldn’t be so angry over the fact that his sister may find happiness for once in her life, but he did. He was betrayed. Evan violated the code of _fake friends_ ! Well, the one where you actually try to be friends was broken…Wait they decided to try to actually be friends, if that were the case, didn’t Evan violated the code to being _friends? Friend friends?_

 

Whatever! Connor threw the sheets off of him as he rolled out of bed. Landing on his feet. He ran a hand through his messy bed hair as he took a deep breath. Today would be interesting. That's for sure. Different than his usual Saturday. Hopefully he wouldn’t need another smoke after this.

 

* * *

 

 _ **Evan's room**_  

 

“Zoe, he’s been avoiding me like I am the plague,” Evan exclaimed as he shuffled around his room, trying to find his shoes. His cellphone was on speaker on top of his desk, next to his blank letter for the day. Sitting there would give a perfect view of trees and an empty span of road leading to civilization outside of the suburbs. 

“I don’t know Evan,” Zoe sighed, her tone revealing a slight quiver, “Connor has been acting like Connor...Which means he avoids contacting anyone outside of his room or the rooftop.” There were muffled, strange sounds coming from her end of the call. Evan imagined that she was getting ready like himself.

Evan groaned in frustration as he got on his knees to find a shoelace trail leading to underneath his bed. How on earth did those get under there? “This is not good! We just went over the fact that we would try to be friends!” Evan whined. “I don’t know what went wrong? Like did I say something to piss him off?”

“He could have also been lying to just get you out of his room,” Zoe said.

Evan’s heart twisted. That was also a possibility. He hated the idea, but these past few days revealed that maybe it wasn’t just an idea. He thought back to their time in the library. “We did hang out at the library though...Would he just hang out once and we never see him again?”

Zoe hummed in thought, the strange noises dying down. “Yeah…” she admitted. “I mean, he would show up to dinner once in a while then stop...At least before he stopped showing up completely.”

Evan bit his lip as he dragged his sneakers back from the darkness of his bed. “I can’t mess this up.”

There was silence.

“Not again…”

“I know Evan,” Zoe said, her voice faltering. “Believe me...I fucking know…” Evan heard a sniff.

“Are you cryi-”

“I know I seem like a stupid emotional teenage girl but oh my fucking God Evan!” Zoe exclaimed. She sniffed again and there was  muffling sound, perhaps she was wiping her nose. “My brother is alive,” she whispered. “He is alive and I know that I need to do something. But then I see him...And I want to open my mouth to say something. Like ‘hello’ or ‘how are you today?’ And I just-”

Evan sat on his chair by the phone. His shoes in hip while his good hand rested next to his phone. He felt his own heart twist in painful empathy. He felt like a jerk, making her cry. None of this was truly in his control, yet he couldn’t help but feel at fault for all of this.

“I just can’t make a sound,” Zoe confessed. “I freeze up on the inside! What kind of sister am I if I can’t even say good morning to my own brother? Like if I make one wrong move, he’ll explode in my face…” Zoe continue, her voice falling to a low, cracking tone, “...He reminds me of how fucking useless and stupid I am...he doesn’t even need to say anything…”

Evan realized his eyes were watery. He rubbed them to prevent anything from falling out. His nose threatened to make him sniff himself. He can’t do that. Evan needed to be strong. “You’re not useless Zoe...You are one of the most amazing-” Evan thought, Zoe was more than amazing. It was difficult to describe. His mom appeared in the back of his mind. Evan continued, “-young woman I have ever met. You have been through so much already and you’re smart, beautiful, and kind.”

Zoe let out a weak laugh, “And I remember you telling me something similar while lying to my face…”

Right. Evan was a horrible person. He poured out all of his own feelings for Zoe, to make Connor into a completely different person. Someone his little sister never knew. Someone who never existed. Evan scratched his cast nervously. He didn’t know how to respond. How would a horrible person like himself respond after being exposed? Words began to build up in his throat, threatening to become a jumbled mess if he made a sound.

“Thank you,” Zoe said, breaking the silence.

“Huh?” Evan gasped. His heart raced while his eyes stared wide eyed at the cellphone.

“Even if it was all lie before and now...it still helps...I guess,” Zoe spoke softly. “It's nice if I pretend that it's true.”

“Yeh-yeah,” Evan stuttered out.

“I’ll let you know if Connor is coming or not, I should be hoping that he is, but I mainly hope he doesn’t,” Zoe said. “God...I don’t know…”

All Evan could say was, “Yeah…”

“Talk to you later,” Zoe said. She hung up before Evan could process that their conversation was over.

Evan decided to finally put on his shoes as his thoughts raced with a million ways this day could go. His anxiety made sure that not a single outcome was decently okay. All led to the dreadful end of Connor’s postponed suicide. It was one thing for Connor to kill himself the first time, but with the knowledge Evan had now...Evan didn’t know if he could handle it. If _he_ could continue on…

The teen took a deep breath and softly slapped his cheeks. He had to get out of that mindset! It's not like before! Today was going to be a good day! He had to make it a good day! He just had to, if not for himself then for Connor, Zoe, and Alana. They were all counting on him. Speaking to today, Evan realized his paper was still blank. He checked the time. He had an hour or so to kill before he had to head out. Alana told him to meet them at the zoo entrance around ten thirty. He was ready, supposed his mom was still getting dressed for the day herself. Or she slept in. Evan will check on her in a few minutes. First things first, he had to continue his own development in healing. Evan sat down at the desk and took a pen from a mug stuffed with pens and pencils. His hand glided over the paper as he began to create a story of love and hope for himself.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day because I will be with my friends Alana, Zoe, and Connor! We are going to the local zoo to help Alana and Zoe with a school project. The school year just started but they wanted to get a head start on their assignments._ _They are really diligent that way, which means I need to work hard too!_

_I am a little nervous to see Connor since he seems upset. I don’t know what happened, I thought we were getting along fine but then he started to avoid me. Today I can ask him if something is bothering him. Either way we are both going to have a loads of fun!_

 

Evan paused and bit his lip. He had to stay positive. This came out easier than he expected. Well, easier than a year ago. Or would that technically be earlier in the week? Gah! This whole stupid time jumping thing screwed around with his sense of time. Tomorrow was a year ago and yesterday is tomorrow? Evan scratched the back of he head and let out a deep sigh. It also made him wonder if this year passed like before, would he wake up again as if nothing happened? Would he remember the first two times? 

“How is any of this possible?” Evan huffed.

Someone gently knocked on his door. “Morning sleepy head!” his mom chirped. Evan turned to meet a pair of familiar, excited eyes. “Are you ready for your totally awesome day!?” she inquired and held out her hand in a thumbs up.

God that cringe hurt. Evan couldn’t help but laugh at his enthusiasm. “Haha,” he thought for a moment. To think positively, perhaps he should act more positive. For example his mom was already awake and ready for the day. “Yeah!”

That's right, he felt better the first time when he was more positive. When he create the Connor Project, he felt hope. His mom always tried to be happy, attentive and optimistic for him. When he was young and ignorant, he was annoyed. It felt like she was harping on him to be happy and smile. Now, he realizes that she was trying to help him to find his own happiness. It's something that is shared naturally. 

Time to do the same for Connor.

“Oh, here!” his mom said and pulled out a small stack of dollar bills while approaching him. “This is to pay for the zoo, something to eat, aaaand-” she handed him an extra twenty, “A little souvenir.”

Evan took the money. This felt like it was a lot. “Um mom, I just need some to enter the zoo...This is a little too much,” he said in embarrassment. This was her hard earned money. She needed this for bills, to take care of him! He-

“Hey, I want you to have a good time. Besides, this is what happens when you are slowly building a savings account,” she winked at him. “Now you pay me back by bringing home an epic tale of your adventures!” She placed her hands on her hips. “I expect you to come back after you wrestle with a lion! Or dance with monkeys!”

“Ahaha,” funny how when she said lion, Connor instantly thought of Connor. If he was a lion, he would have bitten off his head ages ago. Oh God, and he can be terrifying when he was angry. Second thoughts and self doubt began to gnaw at the back of his head.

A sudden hug from his mom melted all of those worries. “Everything will be okay little guy,” she whispered. “Okay? I am so proud of you.” 

Evan returned the hug as best as he could with his good arm. “Thanks mom, for everything…”

They pulled back. Evan smiled sheepishly, his mom grinned. She pulled out her car keys. “Alrighty, let me whip something together for breakfast. Then I’ll drop you off!”

Evan nodded and watched her leave. The horrendous weight on his chest leaving with her. His smile felt more genuine than before. He rubbed his cast and looked at the name in black ink. _I really have the best mom around...don’t I?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahahaha...Super late update, and my excuse is nothing other than life and the inspiration leaving me. I became super busy with university and work because of the holidays. Sadly I missed the play due to work. Rip…But I got the book for Christmas! I know it is the end of February but I am going to start reading the book, I got a few others so I read those first. One day I will see this musical, but glancing at a few random chapters I stumbled upon...and seeing how some people find this in the depths of this website, I concluded that I must continue this!
> 
> I have a new and better way to write these chapters so more should be coming out soon! I now have a laptop so I can write directly onto my google documents instead of on paper and transfering it to a computer when I get ahold of one. As you saw from the last chapter, doing everything on my phone isn't the best for me.
> 
> Thank you all for being patient. I hope you enjoyed this little chapter. Although I haven’t updated this storyline in particular, I have made a few shorts where I played around with these characters for fun on the side...If you want me to share them, let me know and I may make “special” chapters to share while I am working on the major chapters. Its a way to ask for forgiveness for my long absence. That and so everyone knows that I am not dead…
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope everyone looks forward to future updates!


End file.
